Parents share concerns over discussing puberty with kids

Most parents agree that talking to their kids about puberty is important-but when and how to start the conversation is often less clear, a new national poll suggests.

Among the most common challenges for parents: choosing the right age to start talking about body changes and whether to explain sex, according to the University of Michigan Health C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health.

Parents are evenly split in thinking it's best to start talking about puberty before 10 years, at age 10 or when children are older.

It's easy to assume a child is too young for conversations about puberty, but many parents are surprised to find their tween already showing signs of puberty or asking unexpected questions about body changes."

Sarah Clark, M.P.H., Mott Poll Co-Director

"Starting the conversation early gives parents a chance to shape the message in an age-appropriate way and help kids know what to expect, so they're not confused or anxious. If parents don't open the door to these talks, kids may get their information elsewhere, like from classmates, social media, or what they see on TV."

Parents polled shared a range of approaches, worries, and gaps in preparing their tweens for this major stage of development.

About half of parents describe their approach to talking with their child about puberty as proactive while two in five say they talk about it only when asked. Another 5% avoid the conversation altogether.

One in five parents also worried about feeling embarrassed while one in six feared saying the wrong thing when it came to the subject. Among parents of children 10-12 years, a quarter say their child doesn't want to talk about puberty, and among parents of children 7-9 years, nearly a third believe their child is too young to understand.

Some of the hesitancy about broaching this subject may stem from parents' own experiences, Clark notes.

While nearly half of parents have talked about their own puberty experiences with their kids, less than a third say they received adequate puberty teaching from their own parents. More than a third say their parents did not teach them about puberty at all.

"Whether they realize it or not parents may bring their own experiences into their parenting approach," Clark said. "Many parents said they had little or no discussion of puberty when they were young. If puberty was treated as an awkward or embarrassing subject growing up, that can make it harder to know how to begin."

Another common challenge shared by parents was whether, when, and how much to talk about sex and reproduction.

"Early conversations should focus on making kids aware that they will experience physical and emotional changes, and reassuring them that those changes are normal. Discussions about sex can occur over time," Clark said.

Parents can also look for resources on how to talk with kids, such as parenting books, Clark recommends. Annual check-ups may also be a good opportunity for both parents and children to learn about puberty-related changes and ask the doctor questions.

Parents may also want to learn about health education offered through their child's school and build on that information.

Recognizing puberty signs

About half of parents are very confident they can recognize signs of puberty in their child, with 60% of parents of children 10-12 years and 17% of parents of children 7-9 years noticing puberty signs. Less than a third of parents weren't sure what changes to look for.

Many parents also report that their child has asked about their own body, their parent's body or other puberty-related topics.

It's important, Clark says, for parents to look out for teachable moments, like when a child brings up a question, and use them as opportunities to start or continue the conversation.

Ongoing, supportive discussions are also key as children grow and encounter new phases of puberty, she adds.

"Puberty isn't just about physical changes - it's also a time of emotional disruption, which can make open communication challenging," Clark said. "Many tweens feel embarrassed or uncomfortable talking with their parents about these changes."

"To help ease the discomfort, some parents may give their child an age-appropriate book or video about puberty and allow the child to explore the topic privately. Often, that leads to additional discussion with parents."